EMDR and Parts Work: What Happens When Part of You Wants to Heal and Another Part Is Scared?

You know you want things to change. You’re tired of overthinking everything, snapping at people you love, feeling responsible for everyone else, or reacting to situations in ways that don’t seem to make sense. Maybe you’ve done a lot of self-reflection. You understand where some of your patterns came from. You can explain your childhood experiences and recognize how they affect your relationships today. And yet, something still feels stuck.

You might find yourself saying things like:

• “I know it wasn’t my fault, so why do I still feel this way?”

• “I want to stop people-pleasing, but I feel awful when I say no.”

• “I know I’m safe now, but my body doesn’t seem to believe it.”

• “I want to try EMDR, but I’m scared of what might come up.”

• “Part of me wants to deal with this, and another part wants to avoid it completely.”

  
  

If any of this sounds familiar, there’s something important to understand about trauma therapy:

wanting to heal and feeling afraid of healing can exist at the same time.

This is one reason I integrate parts work, informed by Internal Family Systems (IFS), into EMDR therapy when it’s clinically appropriate. Rather than treating your hesitation, avoidance or self-criticism as problems to overcome, we get curious about what those responses might be trying to do for you. Let’s talk about what that means, how parts work and EMDR fit together, and why we don’t rush straight into processing difficult memories.

What is parts work, and what does it have to do with EMDR?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic approach developed by Richard Schwartz. It understands the mind as containing different parts, each with its own feelings, beliefs, concerns and protective strategies.

Think about the different sides of yourself that show up in everyday life.

There’s the part of you that wants to rest, and the part that tells you you haven’t done enough.

There’s the part that wants to set a boundary, and the part that worries someone will be disappointed in you.

There’s the part that wants to talk about something painful, and the part that immediately changes the subject.

These experiences don’t mean you have separate personalities or that something is wrong with you. They’re a way of understanding the different responses, needs and internal conflicts that can develop throughout life.

Some of these patterns help us function and navigate everyday demands. Others may have developed in response to difficult experiences, including childhood trauma, emotional neglect, unpredictable relationships or situations where our needs weren't consistently met.

A strategy that once helped you get through something difficult might continue showing up long after the original circumstances have changed.

For example, if keeping other people happy helped you avoid conflict growing up, people-pleasing might become your automatic response as an adult.

You may logically understand that you’re allowed to say no. But when you try, you feel anxious, guilty or responsible for the other person's reaction.

Parts work helps us explore that gap between what you know intellectually and what you experience emotionally.

Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?” we might ask, “What is this response trying to do for me?”

That shift can make room for curiosity and compassion instead of more self-criticism.

What is the connection between IFS and EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is an evidence-based psychotherapy that uses bilateral stimulation as part of a structured approach to processing distressing experiences. Sometimes an experience continues to affect how you feel about yourself, how you respond to relationships, or how your body reacts to situations in the present.

You might know that a situation is different from your past, but still experience intense shame, fear, helplessness or a strong urge to protect yourself.

EMDR can help you process memories and the beliefs, emotions and sensations associated with them. Parts work can complement this process by helping us understand the different responses that arise around those memories.

For example, as we prepare for EMDR, we might notice:

• A part that wants to get the therapy over with as quickly as possible.

• A part that worries you’ll become overwhelmed.

• A part that criticizes you for still being affected by the past.

• A younger, more vulnerable part associated with feelings of shame, fear or loneliness.

  
  

We don't need to get rid of these responses before therapy can be helpful. Instead, we work to understand them, build trust and determine what support is needed before moving forward.

EMDR helps us process distressing experiences. Parts work helps us understand and work with the internal responses that may arise around those experiences.

They are different approaches, but they can work together in meaningful ways.

Understanding the three types of parts in IFS

In IFS, parts are commonly understood through three broad categories: managers, firefighters and exiles.

These are not rigid labels, and not every response fits neatly into one category. They’re simply a useful way to understand what might be happening internally.

1. Managers: The parts that try to keep everything under control

Managers are protective parts that try to prevent pain, rejection, vulnerability or other difficult experiences from happening. They often work by keeping you organized, prepared, productive or in control.

Managers might show up as:

• The perfectionist who believes mistakes aren't acceptable.

• The people-pleaser who tries to keep everyone happy.

• The overachiever who struggles to rest without feeling guilty.

• The inner critic who points out everything you could have done better.

• The hyper-independent part that insists you should handle everything yourself.

• The part that overthinks every conversation to prevent conflict or rejection.

From the outside, these patterns can look like competence, responsibility or ambition. Sometimes they are useful strengths. The difficulty arises when they become rigid, exhausting or hard to step away from. Imagine someone who learned early in life that being helpful, quiet or successful made relationships feel more predictable. As an adult, they might feel compelled to anticipate everyone's needs, avoid disappointing people and hold themselves to impossible standards.

Even when they desperately want to slow down, the idea of doing less can feel uncomfortable or unsafe. In parts work, we don't immediately try to silence the manager.

We get curious about what it fears would happen if it stopped working so hard.

Perhaps it worries that you’ll be criticized, rejected, abandoned or overwhelmed by feelings you've spent years trying to keep at a distance.

What managers may need before EMDR processing:

They need opportunities to be heard, understood and taken seriously. They may need reassurance that therapy will proceed collaboratively, that you can communicate when something feels like too much, and that processing won't mean losing control of your life.

We work toward enough trust and flexibility that these protective strategies don't have to work quite so hard.

2. Firefighters: The parts that try to make distress stop

If managers work to prevent painful feelings from emerging, firefighters respond when those feelings break through. Firefighter parts try to reduce distress in the moment. They may seek distraction, numbness, escape or immediate relief when emotions feel too intense.

They might show up as:

• Scrolling on your phone to avoid sitting with difficult feelings.

• Shutting down during conflict.

• Keeping constantly busy so you don't have to think.

• Avoiding conversations that feel emotionally threatening.

• Becoming disconnected from your feelings or surroundings.

• Reacting impulsively when you feel overwhelmed.

• Reaching for familiar coping habits when distress rises.

Some of these behaviours are common ways people cope with stress. Their presence doesn't automatically mean they are trauma responses or indicate a particular diagnosis. The important question is what function the behaviour serves for you. For example, someone might spend years avoiding conflict because arguments feel intensely threatening. They might understand that difficult conversations are necessary, but when one begins, they suddenly feel numb, distracted or desperate to leave. That response may be trying to help them escape an experience that feels overwhelming.

A firefighter isn't necessarily trying to sabotage your progress. From an IFS perspective, it may be attempting to help you feel better as quickly as possible.

What firefighters may need before EMDR processing:

They may need to know that distress will be approached carefully, that you have ways to manage difficult emotions between sessions, and that you won't be expected to push through when you're overwhelmed. We also explore what happens before the urge to escape appears and develop a broader range of ways to respond. The goal isn't to remove every coping strategy. It's to help you have more choices, so you're not relying on the same response every time something difficult comes up.

3. Exiles: The parts that carry painful feelings and beliefs

In IFS, exiles are parts associated with vulnerable feelings, painful experiences and beliefs that may have become difficult to carry.

They might hold feelings such as:

• “I'm not good enough.”

• “I'm too much.”

• “I'm not important.”

• “I'm going to be abandoned.”

• “It's my fault.”

• “I'm not safe.”

• “My needs don't matter.”

These beliefs can develop in many ways. Sometimes they are associated with identifiable traumatic experiences. Other times, they relate to repeated experiences of emotional neglect, criticism, rejection, unpredictability or not having enough support.

You may not have one clear memory that explains how these beliefs developed.

You might simply notice that you feel disproportionately ashamed when someone is disappointed in you, panicked when a relationship feels uncertain, or deeply uncomfortable asking for help.

In IFS, we might explore whether a more vulnerable part of you is carrying some of those feelings. For example, an adult might feel intense anxiety when their partner seems distant. On the surface, the situation may appear manageable. Internally, however, the experience might connect with older feelings of being unwanted, forgotten or emotionally alone.

The goal isn't to assume that every difficult emotion comes from childhood or to force a particular memory to emerge. Instead, we pay attention to what you experience and explore it collaboratively.

What exiles may need before EMDR processing:

Vulnerable parts may need a sense of safety, compassion, support and connection. We want to understand what they carry without overwhelming you or moving faster than you can manage.

This doesn't mean you must feel completely calm or that every painful feeling must disappear before EMDR can begin.

It means we consider your ability to stay connected to the present, access support and work with difficult material at a pace that is appropriate for you.

What is the Self in IFS?

IFS also describes the Self: a state of being associated with qualities such as curiosity, compassion, calm, clarity, confidence and connection.

The Self isn't another part that you have to develop perfectly. It's a way of describing your capacity to relate to your experiences with greater openness and compassion.

You might notice a difference between these two responses:

Self-critical response: “Why am I still doing this? I should be over it by now.

A more Self-led response: “Something about this situation feels difficult. I wonder what I'm reacting to and what I need right now.”

The second response doesn't dismiss your feelings or excuse behaviour that needs to change. It creates room to understand what's happening without immediately attacking yourself.

In therapy, we work toward helping you relate differently to your internal experiences. You can acknowledge a protective response without letting it dictate every decision. You can make space for vulnerability without becoming entirely consumed by it.

And you can begin to recognize that a part of you may be struggling without concluding that the whole of you is broken.

Why does parts work matter before Phase 4 of EMDR?

EMDR follows an eight-phase treatment model. The earlier phases include history-taking and treatment planning, preparation, and assessment. Phase 4 is called desensitization and is the main reprocessing phase.

During Phase 4, the therapist guides you in working with a selected target memory while engaging in bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements or tapping.

The aim is to support the processing of the distress associated with that experience.

However, being ready to start EMDR processing isn't simply about being willing to talk about a memory.

We also consider how you respond when distress increases, what support you can access, how you manage difficult feelings between sessions, and whether your protective responses are likely to interfere with or make the process more difficult.

This is where parts work can be particularly helpful.

Imagine that you want to process a painful childhood experience, but another part of you is convinced that revisiting it will make everything worse. If we ignore that concern and push ahead, you may feel pressured, disconnected or overwhelmed. Instead, we can slow down and explore the concern. What is that protective part afraid will happen? What does it need to understand about the process? What would help you feel more supported? Are there skills or resources we need to strengthen first? These questions help inform our treatment planning.

Four things we may work on before EMDR Phase 4

1. Getting to know your parts

We begin noticing the different responses that arise when you think about a difficult experience.

We might explore your inner critic, the urge to avoid, the need to stay in control or the fear that painful feelings will become too much.

The aim is to understand these responses rather than judge them.

2. Building trust with protective parts

Protectors may be concerned about what will happen if you approach a difficult memory.

We take those concerns seriously. We discuss what EMDR involves, what choices you have during sessions and how we will work together if something becomes difficult.

You don't have to convince a protective part that it is wrong to feel afraid.

We work toward enough trust that the process feels manageable and collaborative.

3. Developing resources and ways to manage distress

Preparation may involve grounding, orienting to the present, resourcing, mindfulness, body awareness and identifying supportive people or activities.

We also explore what happens when you become overwhelmed, disconnected or caught in a cycle of intense self-criticism.

These resources aren't about making sure you never experience distress. They're about supporting your ability to navigate it and return to the present when needed.

4. Considering the vulnerable part and the memory we're approaching

We explore what the memory means to you, what emotions or beliefs are associated with it, and how you respond when you get close to the material.

We consider whether you can remain sufficiently connected to the present and whether additional preparation or support would be helpful.

The goal isn't to force a vulnerable part to reveal something or to require every protector to agree perfectly.

It's to develop a treatment approach that respects your needs, your pace and your capacity to work with the material.

Does every part have to feel completely safe before EMDR?

No. This is an important distinction. You don't need to eliminate anxiety, achieve perfect emotional regulation or resolve every internal conflict before beginning EMDR reprocessing.

Feeling nervous about therapy is normal. Protective parts may remain cautious even when you're ready to proceed. Readiness is a clinical consideration based on the person, their history, their current circumstances, their ability to manage distress and the specific material being approached. Sometimes additional preparation is helpful. Sometimes we can proceed while continuing to work with protective concerns along the way. There isn't one universal checklist that determines readiness for everyone. The goal is to avoid rushing, respect your autonomy and make thoughtful decisions about when and how to proceed.

What if I don't remember much of my childhood?

You don't need a complete, detailed narrative of your childhood to begin exploring parts work.

Some people have clear memories of particular events. Others remember very little, have a collection of emotional impressions, or struggle to identify why certain situations affect them so strongly.

You may notice a pattern without knowing exactly where it began. For example, you might recognize that you become anxious when someone is upset with you, but you can't identify one specific childhood memory that explains why. We can begin with what you notice in the present: the feelings, beliefs, body sensations and protective responses that show up in everyday life. We don't need to assume a memory exists, search for hidden memories or decide in advance what caused a particular response. If a relevant memory or association emerges naturally during therapy, we can explore it carefully. If it doesn't, we can work with the material that is available.

The aim is to understand your experience, not to construct a story about your past.

Can parts work help if I keep avoiding EMDR?

It can be a useful starting point. Avoidance is often treated as something that needs to be overcome before progress can happen. But from a parts-informed perspective, avoidance can be approached as information. A part of you may be worried about losing control, being overwhelmed, feeling ashamed or having to face something without enough support. Another part might be frustrated that you're not making progress quickly enough.

Rather than letting these parts battle it out, we can slow things down and understand what each is concerned about. You might discover that your avoidance is connected to a genuine need for more preparation. Or you might find that a protective response is operating automatically in situations that are different from the ones in which it first developed. Either way, understanding the response gives us more information to work with. Parts work doesn't mean we avoid difficult material indefinitely. It helps us make informed decisions about how to approach it.

And if EMDR is appropriate for you, the intention is to help you move toward processing in a way that is collaborative, considered and responsive to your needs.

What does EMDR with parts work actually look like in a session?

It depends on you, your treatment goals and where you are in the EMDR process.

An early session might focus on understanding what brings you to therapy, exploring patterns in your relationships and identifying what you hope will change. We might notice that you are very hard on yourself, feel responsible for other people's emotions or become disconnected when conversations get difficult. Rather than immediately choosing a painful memory to process, we might explore what happens internally when these patterns show up. For example:

You: “I know I need to set boundaries, but I feel so guilty whenever I do."

Therapist: “Let's slow that down a little. When you imagine saying no, what happens inside?”

You might notice fear, tension, an inner voice telling you that you're selfish, or an urge to backtrack and make the other person happy. We can explore those responses with curiosity. What is the fear about? What does the critical voice believe it is preventing? What feels difficult about allowing someone to be disappointed? Over time, this may help us identify relevant treatment targets, develop resources and understand what needs attention before reprocessing.

When Phase 4 is appropriate, we can work with a selected target memory using EMDR, while remaining attentive to protective responses and your experience throughout the process.

Parts work can also be integrated during other phases of EMDR or used as a complementary approach when reprocessing isn't the immediate focus. It isn't about following a rigid script. It's about understanding the person in front of us and adapting the work accordingly.

Is EMDR with parts work right for me?

EMDR and parts-informed therapy may be worth exploring if you:

• Understand your patterns intellectually but still feel emotionally stuck.

• Struggle with people-pleasing, perfectionism or a harsh inner critic.

• Feel caught between wanting change and fearing what change might involve.

• Notice that you avoid, shut down or become overwhelmed when difficult feelings arise.

• Have a history of childhood trauma, emotional neglect or difficult relationship experiences.

• Want to understand your reactions without constantly blaming yourself.

• Are interested in processing distressing memories but want to understand how preparation and safety fit into the process.

These experiences don't automatically mean that EMDR or IFS is the right approach for everyone. Therapy should be tailored to your circumstances, goals and needs.

You also don't need to arrive knowing which modality you need. That's something we can figure out together.

My approach to trauma therapy integrates EMDR with parts-informed, somatic and nervous-system-informed work when appropriate. We pay attention to what you are experiencing emotionally, physically and relationally, rather than treating one method as the answer to everything.

The goal isn't to force you to revisit the past or get rid of the parts of yourself you don't like.

It's to help you understand your responses, process experiences that continue to affect you and develop more freedom in how you respond to life now.

You don't have to fight yourself to heal

Sometimes the part of you that keeps everything together is exhausted. Sometimes the part that avoids difficult feelings is trying to give you a break. Sometimes the part that criticizes you is repeating what it learned about how to stay safe, accepted or in control.

And sometimes the part that feels most stuck is the one that has been carrying something painful for a long time. You don't have to shame these parts into changing. You don't have to force yourself to be ready before you're ready. With the right support, we can begin to understand what is happening, build trust with protective responses and work toward processing difficult experiences at a pace that makes sense for you. Healing doesn't have to mean getting rid of parts of yourself. It can mean developing a different relationship with them.

Interested in EMDR and trauma therapy in Ontario?

I offer trauma-informed therapy for adults virtually across Ontario and in person in Etobicoke, Toronto. My approach integrates EMDR with parts-informed, somatic and nervous-system-informed work, tailored to your needs and goals.

If you're curious about whether EMDR might be helpful for you, you don't need to have everything figured out before reaching out.

Learn more about EMDR therapy and my approach to trauma treatment at www.marlodrago.com.

You don't have to figure out which therapy you need. We can start with what's bringing you here.