Holding Boundaries During the Holidays: How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Protect your peace this Holiday Season.

Holding Boundaries During the Holidays: What It Really Looks Like (and Why It Feels So Hard)

The holidays are often portrayed as a season of joy, togetherness, and cheer — but for many of us, they can also stir up old family dynamics, expectations, and emotional triggers. You might feel a pull to be generous, flexible, and fully present — while simultaneously feeling the familiar pressure to set aside your own needs just to keep the peace.

If this resonates, you’re not alone. Many adults I work with grew up in homes where boundaries were either punished, ignored, or treated as personal attacks. So when you try to set healthy limits now, especially during the holidays, it can feel like you’re doing something wrong — even when you’re doing something deeply healthy.

Why boundaries feel harder this time of year

1. Old roles return fast. Even if you’ve worked hard on your boundaries all year, the holiday environment can quickly trigger old family roles. You might find yourself slipping into the caretaker, peacekeeper, or “easy one” without realizing it. Suddenly, the same patterns you’ve outgrown start showing up, and it can feel exhausting.

2. Cultural messages push self-sacrifice. From movies to greeting cards, we are told, “Family comes first.” Often, that’s translated into an unspoken rule: “Don’t rock the boat.” You might hear yourself saying yes to things you don’t want to do — not because you enjoy them, but because it seems expected.

3. Your nervous system remembers. Even if your current family situation is safe, your body carries the memory of past experiences. You may notice tension, irritability, or anxiety bubbling up for seemingly no reason. That’s your nervous system responding as if you’re back in childhood, navigating the same challenging dynamics.

Boundaries are not about pushing people away

It’s important to remember: setting limits doesn’t mean you love your family any less. Boundaries aren’t about distancing yourself from the people you care about — they’re about preserving your energy, wellbeing, and sense of self. They are acts of self-respect, not rebellion.

Three holiday boundaries that are completely OK to hold

1. “I can stay for two hours, then I’m heading home.” You get to choose the duration of your availability. Leaving early doesn’t make you ungrateful — it makes you mindful of your energy.

2. “I’m not discussing that topic.” You do not owe engagement in conversations that feel harmful or activating. Politely redirecting or excusing yourself protects your emotional safety.

3. “We’re doing a quiet holiday this year.” Traditions can evolve. You don’t need to overextend yourself to meet someone else’s expectations — your emotional capacity matters, and saying yes to calm can be a gift to everyone.

Your body might need support too

Boundaries aren’t just a mental or emotional practice — your nervous system is heavily involved. If you notice stress or overwhelm, try these polyvagal-informed tools to stay grounded:

• Put both feet on the ground and feel the floor supporting you.

• Take a gentle, long exhale to signal safety to your nervous system.

• Excuse yourself for a bathroom break and use the moment to reset.

• Hold something warm — tea, a mug, or a heated pad — to cue comfort and safety.

Even a few small pauses like this can help you maintain presence without losing yourself.

Real-Life Holiday Boundary Examples

Here are some practical ways boundaries might look during the holidays:

• Time Boundaries: “I’d love to come for dinner from 5–8pm, then I’ll need to head home.”

• Topic Boundaries: “I’m not comfortable talking about that tonight — can we focus on celebrating together?”

• Tradition Boundaries: “This year, we’re keeping things simple — just a quiet family dinner at home.”

• Emotional Availability Boundaries: “I’m happy to listen for a bit, but I’ll need a break if things get overwhelming.”

• Technology and Social Media Boundaries: “I won’t be posting on social media this weekend, but I’ll share highlights after.”

• Personal Space Boundaries: “I’d love to see you, but please text before coming over.”

These examples show that boundaries can be both kind and firm, practical, and respectful.

A gentle reminder

Holding boundaries doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you aware. It makes you responsible. It makes you someone who cares enough about your wellbeing to protect it.

This holiday season, choosing your own limits is not selfish — it’s necessary. It’s a quiet act of courage, a commitment to your own emotional health, and a model for those around you that self-care and self-respect are non-negotiable.

And that, in itself, is something worth celebrating.

Recommended Books on Boundaries

If you want to dive deeper and strengthen your ability to hold boundaries year-round, these books are excellent resources:

1. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend *– A foundational book on setting healthy limits in every area of life.

2. The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner * – Explores boundaries in relationships and how to stay close without losing yourself.

3. The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson *– Offers practical strategies to prioritize your own needs while still caring for others.

4. Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab *– A modern guide with actionable tips for both personal and professional relationships.

5. Emotional Boundaries by Dr. Margalis Fjelstad – Focuses on understanding emotional limits and avoiding enmeshment in difficult relationships.

These reads can provide inspiration, practical guidance, and reassurance that saying no and protecting yourself is not only okay — it’s necessary. (* affiliate link)

In Wellness,

Marlo Drago